Ninja!

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

VERY RUDE QUICKIES

I woke up this morning and there was a black coffin outside my door.....
So I gave him a packet of Lockets and told him to fuck off....




I went to the cemetery yesterday,
there were 4 pall bearers walking around with a coffin.
3 hours later they were still walking around with it.

I thought to myself :
"These Fuckers have lost the plot"




Christiano Ronaldo goes to the doctors and says "doctor every time I look in the mirror I get turned on" the doctor says "I'm not surprised you're a cunt!"




Why did Cristiano Ronaldo want a transfer to Tottenham Hotspur?
Because he heard their strikers were Bent and Keane.




A girl was granted 2 wishes, so she wished for bigger tits and with a woosh her 32A went to 38DD, so for her second wish she asked for a tight cunt, so she will ring you later




How do you know if you`ve passed an elephant in the dark?
It won’t flush away and you cant get the seat down!




Two abo's are standing on a cliff one holding a didge the other holding a boomerang, they both jump off at the same time, who wins?
Society.




What's the difference between an abo and a park bench?
A park bench can support a family.


If you had a poofter on your back, would you leave him there or pull him off?



Why have elephants got 4 feet?
Cos they'd look fucking stupid with 3 inches!



A FEW GIF'S

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Tuesday, February 26, 2008

JOKES FOR NORTY SNR.

Exercise for those over 50 (give or take a few years)

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.




I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.




The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married — for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. ‘He’s a funeral director,’ she answered. ‘Interesting,’ the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and
what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she’d first married a banker when she was in her early 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, later on a preacher when in her 60’s, and now in her 80’s, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had
married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained,
‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go…………..




A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he shouts.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.

"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your ear or whatever."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.




A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is persuaded to have a medical exam first. "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit," he says to the doctor. "Okay," says the medic, "let me see your sex organs." So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "Check this out!" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we should do with it?" With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, now would be a good time to wash it."




An elderly couple are having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. During desert, the old man leans over and says to his wife, “Dear, there’s something I have to ask you. It’s always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of the kids. I must know: Did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look at her husband. “Yes,” she admits. “He does.”
Tears well up in the old man’s eyes. “Please,” he says, “would you tell me who it was?” The woman pauses while mustering her courage. Then she says, “You.”

Monday, February 25, 2008

ADVICE FOR NEW PARENTS

Mrs Norty and I are about to become grand parents for the 4th time in the next couple of months, Other readers are likely to follow in the not to distant future, so I thought it was time to compile some of our most useful parenting know-how into one easy-to-access pile. So to speak. To accomodate these new and soon-to-be parents’ sudden micro-attention spans, I’ve put it in the form of simple bulleted lists.

Fluids — Babies arrive wet with various fluids, and this sets the tone for their first year of life:

· You are now going to have vomit on you. This is not exactly permanent, but you should settle in for the long-term. Accepting this will be an important step.

· When you cease being covered with vomit you won’t notice for a while.

· ‘Vomit’ here is typically a curd-like product resembling yogurt. You may stop eating yogurt for a while.

· You should visit a 24-hour dairy in order to acclimate yourself to the most important new parenting role of yourself or your wife.

· Male or female, you will doubtless laugh the first time your child urinates directly into your face, but this will wear thin after a few weeks and you will start fantasizing about your child’s 18th birthday.

· Poop can be a fluid and as such can be sprayed across a moderately-sized room.

· When the teeth start coming, you will not be able to believe the amount of drool one small human can produce. Seriously, this is what it feels like to have a mini Niagara Falls right onto your shoulder.

· Contrary to advertising, babies do perspire, and should be flipped backwards and forwards occasionally to allow evaporation.

· In spite of all this moisture, babies generally smell really nice, especially the drier parts of their heads. You will miss this smell when it’s gone.

Poop — If you and your partner are still talking to each other after all this, most of your conversations will be about poop, so it’s important to have some basics down:

· The poop of a newborn looks almost exactly like whole-grain mustard, but does not taste exactly the same. You might consider switching to horseradish for a few months.

Leisure and hobbies — No, this is not a cruel joke. Okay, maybe it is.

· Expect your leisure time to be severely curtailed, mainly because any time which previously was more or less free will now be taken up with hollow laughs and comments such as ‘Leisure time! HA don’t make me laugh!’.

· Even the smallest babies can be mesmerized by the glow of a television, so this is one area of your leisure activities which need not be impinged upon. Providing you are an avid follower of the Teletubbies.

· Once the baby has fallen asleep for the evening, your regular, pre-baby activities can resume. For eleven minutes.

· However exciting your hobbies were before the baby came, looking at its face will be better. Note: this is true of the firstborn child only.

Out and about — Sometimes it’s completely unavoidable!

· You don’t go out anymore.

· If you do go out, your child’s behavior will make you wish you had not. Instead of cringing and apologizing, try to think of yourself as providing a public service by acting as a walking advertisement for birth control.

· A trip to the supermarket will take on the logistical complications of landing 154,000 men on the shores of Normandy.

Clothing and appearance — Yours are no longer important.

· Little known fact: during the first six months, all parents receive a waiver releasing them from having to wear things right-side-out. Take advantage of this.

· No matter how cute you think it is when your toddler puts on your shoes and pretends to be you, the cuteness of this scene when shared drops away according to the following formula:

Female parent of child under 4: 50% cuteness
Male parent of child of under 4: 25% cuteness
Female non-parent: 15% cuteness
Male non-parent: 5% cuteness

· Many parents think it’s cute to dress their tiny newborns in onesies with the logos of obscure, hard-core 80’s punk bands on them. Feel free not to bother.

· Hand-me-downs rule.

· It may bug the living shit out of you to have complete strangers mistaking your little girl/boy for a little boy/girl. Try dressing them in nothing but blue or pink (as appropriate). Or you could just get over it and stop imposing your gender roles.

Your New Life — Things will never be the same again!

· Your lower back will never be in better condition than it is today. Enjoy it!

· As your child grows into a toddler, your ability to reason with cats will doubtless improve.

· Don’t forget: it is possible to become pregnant while nursing. “Safe” sex will take on a whole new meaning, and your attitude toward acceptable risk will see some subtle changes.

· Everything you do when baby arrives, is vastly more important than it was before. But no pressure.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

HERE'S A WOBBLY ONE


Gifs at Giftube.com

THE MINIATURE EARTH

To see something pretty amazing about the world we live in click the link below the picture, when you reach the site double click English.